0) you are andrew falkous, annie clark, ellen ripley, claire danes,
indiana jones, or all of the above.<br />
1) you have the ability to type, like (rm -rf "brief and") clever
responses, and like me and think i'm funny (i am, if you don't
you're wrong (v. "the things people notice about me" section if you
didn't get this)).<br />
2) you are an elephant seal.<br />
3) you know an elephant seal.<br />
4) there has been a disaster involving the melting of the polar
ice-caps and you need to know if there is anybody still out there
that has a reliable source of squid, small sharks, rays, or other
bottom-dwelling fish.<br />
5) seriously, if you hang out with elephant seals you should
definitely message me, i love elephant seals.<br />
7) you know what number comes after 5 (can't remember)<br />
8) you want to talk about dinosaurs. or elephant seals.<br />
9) you like integers.<br />
9.1) you don't care about integers.<br />
10) listen i don't really want to talk about elephant seals, okay?
god stop sending me all these elephant seal messages.<br />
<br />
i am totally immature in all the ways that could conceivably
involve swingsets, jumping into piles of things, and making a mess
for its own sake, but i also really like wearing nice clothing and
pretending to know stuff about grown-up crap like furniture and
economics. so: pretty much anyone should message me. i'm new to the
city and i want to make friends! plus: frankly, i love it when
people message me. i'm fair to middling at starting a conversation,
but i'm pretty fucking awesome at having it. plus, it makes my day
when i see i've got an unsolicited message. it's flattering.<br />
<br />
you love music. you want to talk about music. you think music is
the best. you want to go to places where people are playing music,
and watch the people playing music, and then afterwards walk home
talking about how much fun you had at the music. you want to make
beautiful music.<br />
<br />
you want to play softball, kickball, flag football, throw the
frisbee around, climb trees and rocks, jump in streams, pick up
weird frogs and bugs, get muddy, get grass-stained, run around,
build sandcastles, fire up the 'cue, watch birds, and get your
hands dirty. you want to teach me how to play disc golf. youfor
realwant to play calvinball.<br />
<br />
if you're genuinely extremely uncomfortable with the idea of
listening to a band called, say, <a href="http://soundcloud.com/necroblaspheme/xxvi-the-great-dead-moose" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">necroblaspheme</a> at the highest setting permitted
by vigorous rotation of the volume knob, perhaps think carefully
about clicking that "send" button. i'm not saying "don't," i'm just
saying.<br />
<br />
if you do decide to send me a message, you can just call me
adam.<br />
<br />
<strong>do not send me any more messages like these</strong><br />
<br />
"can you text me some sexy stuff? i need to nut."<br />
<br />
"omg your profile is a clusterfuck, i think i have a
headache."<br />
<br />
"you would attract more people if you weren't so full of
yourself."<br />
<br />
<strong>c'mon, people. gross.</strong><br />
<br />
"i ended up in search of<br />
ordinary things"